Heard this as child, “will the child you were be happy with the adult you become?” I remember laughing thinking “well who else could I become?”, of course I knew nothing of time, life’s paths and ultimately changes.
Seated after reading a travel magazine; the places…..the people, they seem so happy, so content. It brought me back to my early years. I was a very vibrant kid; bright (who wasn’t?), delightful, full of cheer and a lot of promises for the future. I wanted so much, not cars and mansions; I suppose that was in there somewhere but I wanted to do things. No, not start some kind of revolution or human movement. I wanted a life of excitement, learning, discovery…..
First up was travel; I was thoroughly fascinated by the knowledge that the world habited people of various races, languages and culture. I wanted to see the world’s people, learn its cultures, and taste its foods. There was the love of art; the idea that one could skillfully reproduce inanimate and even animate objects so colorfully, I would catch myself drawing from time to time. Music ah, I started early to listen to and even keep a collection of soul feeding music; singing in front of the mirror with dolls as my audience. Watching Michael and the Likes of Sammy Davis Jnr made the dancing a done deal. The oddest of them was the need to swim with dolphins; well maybe because it was described as one of life’s inexplicable experiences (by whom?).There was the car race dream too, oh my even horse riding……….
All these put together was supposed to groom me into becoming a “fast- paced -get-in-the-mix-get-my -hands-dirty-without -a -care “kind of person. How far? you would ask…….. Well, I have lived in the same city all my life. A few trips not mention worthy here and there. My language mastery is shit, I eat everything thankfully. I sing professionally now…… in my bathroom of course. The dancing? Well does shaking my ass in the club count? I have ridden horses; with great care and supervision. The pool where I swim doesn’t have tadpoles but I hear they are grooming the dolphins. The list of fails goes on…..
Personally, I like to think my person is no different now than as a kid, but who am I kidding. Well, the wit and charm aside, all I have is the edginess, and anger of youth. I do not jump in the middle of things; careful planning must take place. Even though I find time for the ridiculous every now and then, it’s different now.
So I cast another curious glance at the Magazine………….this madness must stop! I would never care for stocks or bonds, Human evolution, recycled energy, I don’t want to be president, heck I just want to go happily berserk, see what’s out there, be merry without cause (a voice in my head says alcohol can help) he he…..I know what I must do, tomorrow I would look up exciting places to go, pack light and……….*phone beeps* 1 new message, BOSS: we have an early meeting by 8am,DON’T BE LATE!!!
Its been two weeks since you have been gone,oh I heard the honk of your car,who would miss that? Saw you alight ,I even watched as your driver struggled with suitcase after suitcase.I know my place,I should be down running into your arms,telling you how I missed you so,but why bother? you would be right up,and I could squeeze that in a simple sentence “Welcome home honey”.
I was at the shopping mall today,oh u knw how I love to shop. Saw a cute little book about lovers,it costs less than your shaving cream and my nail kit,could have gotten it for you but who am I kidding,you won’t read it to me and I won’t bother asking. There is a lovely lovers’ card here ,barely a thousand bucks,am dying to buy it but “Who is my lover?”
The fundraiser was beautiful,I know I was a sight to behold,what? With the diamonds and all,the lovely evening gown tailored just for me. You looked the part yourself,polished not forgetting that air of arrogance you have around business partners.Of course your choice automobile didn’t fail,I saw the stares and heard them whisper “they have it all” but in those four hours our hands didn’t touch,not once…. that is a luxury to us.
You are shocked I still buy lingerie,even though you don’t know what I wear to bed.Am sure you wonder why I bother so much with fitness and working out,I won’t even show you the body. I can dance on a pole,I can even do what that asian girl from that video did,oh I’m into role playing too, yes I could sound dirty but you don’t give passion I could work with. By the way boring sex don’t mean boring babies.
You caught me watching football today,I love it,always have,great now you knw after three years. Oh I go to the cinema too,yeah all those times I’d roll my eyes n say I need my space. I’d like to watch more movies at home but the site of u blabing bout how its a frivolity may tick me off. Yes honey, what do you enjoy doing?
I like the trips abroad,the SPA,the mansion, cars, life is good. I bet you think I can’t lead a simple life. Oh! But wat do u knw? There is a guy in my dreams, I would live in a shack with him but not you,no honey not you.
I love life,I love to play be silly,crazy,but all u see me do is frown and yell. I promise myself I would be nicer but how? Honey how, when I see you it weakens my resolve.
I’m a wonderful person if you get to know these sides of me, I wanna be good to you,I want to be better but its not happening. Sometimes I wish having a fat account could make these things easier but we all know “Money can’t buy love” or do we? I ve to say the financial security makes it all easier.Maybe someday I would learn but I know I am this me because “I don’t love you”.
By the way,I know you don’t try or bother with me because you know I am just a trophy wife, and those little ambitious things with perky boobs n fake accents,they excite you in way that I can’t or won’t bring myself to…………….We are victims of each other.
Today was supposed to be a lazy uneventful day but then I stumbled upon something….. Eljefe’s post “Bitter truth”. Where he described with passion the immense pleasure derived from plain honesty, stirred up something in me. So with no initial plan of writing, I find myself sitting here ready to spill, try his theory, admit the truth as I have never before.
I often pride myself in my ability to be very open, it’s probably one of my most outstanding features (is that the word?) I just share my thoughts as they are, from personal beliefs to sentiments, rants, and even bizarre thoughts; yep I just throw it out there. Its earned me the title “no bullshitter”, which could be fun considering I do not have to be overly nice or decent when I do not want to ,it’s also made me rather infamous with some people, ‘the nerve of that girl’ they would say. Well, life is bliss this way…
Remind me why am writing this piece again, ah yes the truth, the truth. Well, the truth is in spite of my ‘take no prisoner-tell them how it is ‘approach to life, I lie to myself. Yes, this one horrible lie I keep suppressing, so far I have found different ways to clothe and define it; anything but the truth about my insatiable need to be indispensible.
Sadly (in this case) I’m Nigerian so I can’t come up with witty clinical terms for this disease; yes that’s what I will call it. I cannot blame it on some childhood incident or what have you, so I will just go ahead…………….for me it’s never enough, once I have you in my corner I want it all, that immeasurable power that comes from feeling irreplaceable ,being all that matters, the only option.
One would safely want to assume that having the attention, love and respect of people would be sufficient but it isn’t, nah I need a lot more and no this isn’t a classic case of pettiness and emotional neediness (ah, you are yimuing). I just work better when I feel indispensible; I just enjoy exclusivity way too much.
I tell myself this is how it needs to be, no one should be able to take my spot in whatever capacity. Of course it’s been a bone of contention one too many times between I and friends, no one should demand this much of others, but I keep doing it, and of course arguing my case with the aid of emotional blackmail.
Well, this piece is about truth, so there; I have confessed (happy now?) Do I feel a heavenly release that can only be likened to being touched by an angel? Yes, yes, yessss. I feel brand new, I feel…..oh c’mon, I stay my needy self (these words I spent the whole time avoiding). Maybe someday change will come.
Id like to start by saying this post doesn’t serve any purpose,except of course to expose my own ignorance,i mean i wont be me till i ve thoroughly embarrased myself. Even as i type i cringe,asking myself “is this true blog material?” “what am i doing?” “could this be social suicide?”……….questions,questions,questions.
Cant she freaking get to it,one would ask.Thing is i’m like a blind man touring strange lands. My rebuff for technology has kept me in the dark about alot of things,sometimes i wonder how i get along with people and even leave a lasting impression,considering my level of backwardness. How this has been concealed from people without any effort on my part is a huge mystery to my very self. Could this be greatness? haha
Lets start from the fact that even though i spent 5 years in a university of technoloy,studying library and information tehnology,i didnt know how to copy & paste until my final year in school. Followed by my refusal to get a system/laptop or whatever it is called these days,i like calling it computer,my friends say that is ancient,but it is a computer abi? well, i never owned a computer till about two months ago,and yes life has been pretty normal…..i do sound normal dont I?
In addition to this is the swam of social networks all over the place,never owned a yahoo messenger account, no hi5, my space, face book was a necessay evil,what? with the way my then boyfrirnd was always spending his time glued to his computer. Now twitter which has become a fun hang out spot for me(lord the people on these sites) was forced on me by friends, who i guess felt i ve a foul mouth and too much time…whether this is true isnt the issue now though. Anyways even though am getting the hang of alot of things thanks to easy use made available by mobile fones, you can imagine my shock after over 5 months when i realise the”web” space on people’s twittwer profile host links to alot of things, there i was thiking it was some kind of GPRS information privy to a chosen few.
As an overly opinionated person,who loves to get around sometimes these things i am poorly informed about are hardly in keeping with my personality. However, its quite interesting to stumble on something centuries after the rest of the world uncovered it,and wonder about the workings.From internet chatting, to video calls, blogs(my new fad) did i hear you say last carrier? and what have you.
I bet even now am grossly lagging behind,surely there should be yet another interesting must-have “thing” of the season. well it will eventually come to me,and i would have that awesome “oh this is what the fuss has been about” grin that only an ignoramus knows…Did i tell you? its bliss, yes to finally discover what everybody has been going on and on about, and find out evenwith the importance attached to so many things, they are just what they are; ‘things’. Commanding poeples interest is mostly a function of character and personality.
You should know,i do not advocate ignorance,my case is quite perculiar but i get by, i get by…….