The Truth

25 Dec

Today was supposed to be a lazy uneventful day but then I stumbled upon something….. Eljefe’s post “Bitter truth”. Where he described with passion the immense pleasure derived from plain honesty, stirred up something in me.  So with no initial plan of writing, I find myself sitting here ready to spill, try his theory, admit the truth as I have never before.

I often pride myself in my ability to be very open, it’s probably one of my most outstanding features (is that the word?) I just share my thoughts as they are, from personal beliefs to sentiments, rants, and even bizarre thoughts; yep I just throw it out there. Its earned me the title “no bullshitter”, which could be fun considering I do not  have  to be overly nice or decent when I do not want to ,it’s also made me rather infamous with some people, ‘the nerve of that girl’ they would say. Well, life is bliss this way…

Remind me why am writing this piece again, ah yes the truth, the truth. Well, the truth is in spite of my ‘take no prisoner-tell them how it is ‘approach to life, I lie to myself. Yes, this one horrible lie I keep suppressing, so far I have found different ways to clothe and define it; anything but the truth about my insatiable need to be indispensible.

Sadly (in this case) I’m Nigerian so I can’t come up with witty clinical terms for this disease; yes that’s what I will call it. I cannot blame it on some childhood incident or what have you, so I will just go ahead…………….for me it’s never enough, once I have you in my corner I want it all, that immeasurable power that comes from  feeling irreplaceable ,being all that matters, the only option.

One would safely want to assume that having the attention, love and respect of people would be sufficient but it isn’t, nah I need a lot more and no this isn’t a classic case of pettiness and emotional neediness (ah, you are yimuing). I just work better when I feel indispensible; I just enjoy exclusivity way too much.

I tell myself this is how it needs to be, no one should be able to take my spot in whatever capacity. Of course it’s been a bone of contention one too many times between I and friends, no one should demand this much of others, but I keep doing it, and of course arguing my case with the aid of emotional blackmail.

Well, this piece is about truth, so there; I have confessed (happy now?)  Do I feel a heavenly release that can only be likened to being touched by an angel? Yes, yes, yessss. I feel brand new, I feel…..oh c’mon, I stay my needy self (these words I spent the whole time avoiding). Maybe someday change will come.

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