Marriage Blues

6 Mar

As a kid I didn’t spend time pairing dolls and dreaming of a splendid wedding as movies like ‘The wedding planner” would have us believe about Jennifer Lopez (err what husband is she on again?), then again you can’t be playing ‘Barbie marries ken” if you were the sought of kid who rolled tires and climbed trees….anyways, at some point I bumped my head and found myself floating in the sky, what’s it called again? Love, yes I fell in love and dreamt of bla bla…….then my heart got broken and I came back to.

The years passed by fast (too fast if ask me, I mean look at my thighs), I’m now at THAT PLACE, the place where you aren’t a kid and you aren’t a woman, the place where your mum wants to have “the talk” all the time, where your younger brother’s retort to every misunderstanding is “GO AND MARRY”…yes that place.

First time I heard that useless phrase (that’s what it is) I thought to myself “wait! These people are kidding right?” What happened to our wolf pack? Suddenly I’m to be carted away by a stranger for the sole purpose of cooking, cleaning and bringing fort mini me(S) who I sure as hell know would be a bundle of trouble ….yes what’s with the smug look? Oh you didn’t know, haha someone who believes in the magic of marriage, togetherness, companionship bla bla bla. I haven’t said getting married is a bad thing but let’s face it there’s so much hullaballoo about it and if you aren’t careful you may ruin your life, let’s look at how much life changes when u say “I do”.

Firstly, going by the shitty colors people come up with for their wedding, its plain to see for the months building up to the nuptials, there aren’t themselves. A typical wedding planning is fraught with panic, headaches, tears and even more tears. Oh, there is the thousands or millions of naira that goes down the drain (you know half the people who eat the food don’t care about you right?). Why the hell do weddings cost so much anyways? It’s just a portal for two people off to get old together, people should chill please.

People! People! And more people…..wait do couples relinquish their right to privacy once married? And now am not even speaking of privacy between the couple, it’s the others, yes what is about marriage that makes everyone want to visit? WHAAAAAT (I don’t enjoy visitors much you see). Funny these people do not comprise of your friend ‘Sue’ who could down a bottle of vodka standing on her head (is there any such person?), nah its aunty Bose, uncle Festus, and their cousins who brought no gifts at the wedding.

Pressure paradise; it often feels like once the words “I do” jump outta your mouth in front of a congregation, your life’s hour glass is turned and you are automatically sprinting to the finish line (I don’t know if that’s to divorce or your death) but apparently there is so much to do and so little time, things like err; drive to work, eat, watch TV, go shopping….wait! You recognize these from somewhere, of course it’s all stuff you used to do whilst single, what then is it about marriage that makes it seem like its Fear Factor?

Its high school all over; ever caught that uncanny attitude singles have towards married(s)? Of course beneath it is heaps and heaps of misguided envy but it’s there, suddenly it’s like they are the cool kids and you? Well, you are that guy/girl who used to be cool. Slowly the things you are allowed to do without prejudice starts to drop in their numbers, you’d hear shit like “oh come on you are married”

you recognize these amigos from Happy feet right? yeah me too...sorry, couldn't find any monogamous pic

Scheme till your last breath; oh surely you didn’t think you’d live life being all transparent and accepting of fate. Let’s be realistic sometimes for one to be happy the other has to be…err well, not satisfied and stuff as little as who watches what, on game nights/debut of stupid reality TV shows would prepare you for a lifetime of this. Yes it’s exhausting as you may have imagined by this time, but sorry it’s what you signed up for.

Ok,ok I’m honestly out of marriage bashing points ,but if you had any sense you would know this really isn’t about marriage, I needed badly to have a new post and seeing as stress has taken over whatever part of me writes life changing notes(sharap I’m a deep person (-__-) ),oh fack that’s not the drawing I wanted. Yessss, ladies please by all means forget all your dreams and marry the first guy who shows, guys continue to be dick heads that wind up with wicked women. Let the world be as it was before this post.


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