Life Hacks

28 Jun

Experience they say is the best Teacher…….. you are sure to find me somewhere with an upturned nose every time someone blurts such proverbs  abi wise saying. My nonchalance nonetheless, its become quite obvious that some life’s lessons will be learnt whether or not you are interested. So in my benevolence (oh lala…what a rich word) I have decided to share with you a few useful life tips(Ebuka : just imagine amber rose being your motivational speaker ..O_O?? nuff said read on)……..

You can’t win with ‘The parents’ : Incase you havent noticed parents really are like the army,they operate an” Obey before complaint” government and with them you are forever wrong. One would safely want to assume that their power ends at forceful weilding,however they employ other methods,including the age long emotional blackmail. Be assertive all you want,be right but you never win,and even when you do,you would only feel guilty for it. Its really a never ending war of  “what do you know……..”Don’t tell me that……and “I told you so (even when it was originally their idea). Arggghhhhhhhh……..are you seriously waiting for a solution? come on,we already agreed,you can’t win.

The truth won’t always set you free: yes,yes not that this point is that relevant to alot of you,seeing how lies are so popular and hot in demand, however for some of us who have consciences the size of Kanye’s Ego(how is this a good comparison? *shrugs*) its important you realize it’s sometimes very safe to lie. This has nothing to do with morality or making heaven,thing is a lie is often time the presentation of a matter in such a way that everyone wins,you dont get in trouble and the other party isn’t hurt/angry or at the risk of committing murder(Ebuka : ok oooo .. whateva dis means).

” i got so upset when a dude called me flat “… “OMG nicki has got nothing on you .” .. there problem solved ..esteem restored

plus frankly lies save time,you say what needs to be said and everyone moves on. one even has to wonder why people stay in search of truth despite hearing repeatedly how bitter it is…..please feel free to tell me i am not hotter than beyonce,lies like this humbles me(Ebuka : the “truth” is , you actually are 🙂 ).

Selflessness is a myth ; are you currently stuck trying to live up your 2010  “i will become a selfless person” resolution? well, its easy to see why:its all rubbish. Life is based mostly on one basic principle : “survival of the fittest” yes,how do one make it to the top (wherever that is) if one keeps making stops and helping others get ahead?

“..super hero my ass .. i’m done..”

No,i havent asked that we all make like Jim iyke’s movie characters and be such pain in the ass,standing in the way of others and all,but you got to ask yourself why none of us were conceived in the manner of Jesus the messaiah….wait,did you see the word messsiah? aha, no one born of a woman should have to sacrifice so much for the sake of others,even jesus died for us just once. So by all means go ahead being your selfish self ,there is something very selfish about someone who constantly need help anyways.

All employees are from hell ; you would find this useful only if you run your own business. I used to think bosses were the problem,ordering you around and constantly complaining. Pitch that against a bunch of people who dont give a shit about the company,the company’s image or you the boss….

“..For the up teenth time DON’T FUCKING CALL WHILE I’M HAVING TEA..”

A people whose only motivation is money and a chance at the top. So stop being fooled by that plastic smile or the politeness,they just want the money. why should they love you anyways? everyone wants to be BOSS!

There is always ,always a SCAM; I cant remember where i picked up this saying,perhaps i made it up myself (such genius hehe…..stop being in Awe,thank you). Some may argue that this is just the Nigerian in me speaking but then I know whoever came up with the saying “Nothing goes for Nothing” isn’t Nigerian (be like wetin Mama G fit invent sha).

“This is a once in a life time opportunity……..Go ahead “

So every time you see stuff like “20% slash……..”Sales…….’Today is your lucky day……..”Promo! Promo! Promo! ….. or worse “Just for you” don’t feel lucky,don’t feel special,no one is breaking a neck to make this happen,in fact there is a lot  in this for the service provider.

“Deserve” is a pretentious word: i could have easily been Oprah……nah nah,scratch that  (lets make room for a raunchy sex life) yes, i could ve easily been errr….Scarlett Johansson you know,who or what says i dont deserve that life?. You really have to wonder about the criteria used in making some of us ‘proof’ of life’s unfairness.

“…chai … who do me like this …”

I mean seriously? okay life isnt so bad i mean what says i also dont deserve to be Goldi….(Ebuka:thats way too much punishment  blessing for being a good citizen). Anyways, its just a sham when people go on bout deserving stuff when there is always someone smarter,kinder,lovelier,and possibly with the best DEEP THROATHING skills (Ebuka: Dear reader..are you motivated yet ?? ).

Love doesnt conquer alot let alone all: everytime i read the right adage (surely you know the real saying) i just wonder how many times love has actually come charging in a cat suit and saved the day *looks around* any takers? ….still waiting.

“love is worth fighting for….even if your love interest is err…. “

Anyways relationships are mostly what you make of it,if you let a great person go beacuse you believe if you belong together bla bla bla….. the love i feel for Hugh Jackman is so Real,yet he stays wandering ..lost in the arms of another woman,so you see, you are deceiving yourself waiting

HATING” isnt as bad as people make it seem:

“..Just incase you didnt know .. hating is a recognised ‘legal’ profession …”

So you feel inexplicable anger and resentment towards someone somewhere whose reaching success and doing far better than you? You slander them and make up all sorts of shit just to put them down,and they probably don’t know you exist……well well..(Jesus,where was i going with this?).

“..Men fuck this vic o guy , TF does he think he is?? ….”

Okay,lets look at the facts; 1.You are a loser ,which isn’t entirely sad if you can hate enough and get some recognition  2. Your ‘HATE’ (depending on how potent though) have little or no effect on the person’s success,so you see you ain’t really harming anyone 3. These successful bastards have actually found a way to be motivated by ‘HATE’ (imagine), they even go rapping /singing about it…….. So you see, your ‘HATE’ while sorta needless and energy consuming actually isn’t such a bad thing. Some people are so effing lucky,you have to HATE them anyways.(Ebuka : pathetic , hating on jim iyke and vic o , and using your blog to justify it, they’ll rap about u soon .. hater)

Money talks,dignity walks (and falls in a ditch): (Ebuka : i’m sure kim k sponsored this point)I am a principled person bla bla bla…SHARAP!  You don’t get to talk shit like that because you found and didn’t withdraw an unexplained token found in your account.

“…. You wanna get with this ?? That’s a $2500 zazzle dougie couture bitch…”

Nah man,dignity is when you walk away from life changing sums,the sort that your kids and great grand children would curse you for refusing,the sort that would haunt you in dreams. Lets face it people,we would do lots of unprintable shit for money (ask Tonto and Muna Obikwe ..Ebuka : so you are indirectly telling us you can do soft nollywood porn for money and using tonto for cover up , way to go girl).

Not everyone”s going to have a big break: YESssss this is probably the truest point here,most interesting too. you see (yes you,reading this) forget all you know and how hard you work plus the people you know(Ebuka: stop saying shit , knowing illuminati=BIG BREAK -__-),the truth is the world works because there are varying pedigrees of people (err i know i coulda found a nice way to put that).

“..coming soon .. with Dr Dre’s detox as bonus gift … wait that’s on the forever coming soon list … nvm..”

Anyways, try hard as we all may,we cannot all be McDaddys,whose gonna take out trash? aha. So best have a face saving plan or make like sina rambo,be realistic and hold on to some form of life support NOW!!!!

THERE!!!,I hope with these few points of mine i have been able to confuse….sorry convince  and not ……whatever  *takes a bow* ……. that reminds me,now that I have raised the “everyone not having a big break” point I know y”all be watching me,I got a GET-RICH-QUICK-SCHEME beeches (Ebuka : say hello to “uncle”),peace out.

DISCLAIMER ALERT: I am not really cool with this Ebuka person running shit commentary on this post,but hey it’s okay,i totally get it, I am hot like that, WAHCHAOW!!!!(ebuka:  Dear reader  if you feel this is life changing in anyway then you need REAL therapy).


15 Responses to “Life Hacks”

  1. NoVs June 28, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    Loooool tolu I see you have a flair for motivational speaking, good…good post…but madam I beg proof read :p *waits for insults*

    • tolzzzz June 29, 2012 at 6:25 am #

      what does proof read mean biko?(._.)……..look if you ve seen any grammatical errors.IT WASN’T ME -_-…………….thanks

    • ebuoe June 29, 2012 at 8:11 am #

      it wasn’t you… so who ??? mtschewwwwwwww

  2. edgothboy June 28, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Loooool! :’) y’all need Jesus and breast milk. This is not normal.

    • tolzzzz June 29, 2012 at 6:27 am #

      i’m now confused,Jesus gives breast milk?????? Thanks Ed.’

  3. Kuku June 28, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    LOL @ breast milk…….. Tolu n Ebuka…… Good Read…. I like

    • tolzzzz June 29, 2012 at 6:28 am #

      yess kuku,watch this space for all your life changing tips. Bless you

    • ebuoe June 29, 2012 at 8:07 am #

      won’t mind the breat milk sha … kuku

  4. K June 28, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

    Lol These pills, sorry, tips make me feel much better

    • tolzzzz June 29, 2012 at 6:29 am #

      we are so glad we could help 🙂

  5. malickspeaks June 29, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    “Men fuck this vic o guy, TF does he think he is??” That there just made my day (motivated). Seriously though what level of friendzone is this ebuka stuck in?

    • tolzzzz June 30, 2012 at 1:06 am #

      Why u tryna start a feud btw Ebuka n I? Why? Whhyyyyyy?? U re evil. (._.)

    • ebuoe June 30, 2012 at 11:47 am #

      x__x v.i.p level ooo ” blog friend zone ” or “linda ikeji zone” ny1 u lyk …….. 🙂

  6. Kesh June 29, 2012 at 11:10 pm #

    Finally! I can comment. “All employees are from hell” Lol! Interesting. This was a nice read. 🙂

    • ebuoe June 30, 2012 at 11:49 am #

      welldone yo … c u again soon …………

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