Archive | July, 2012

IF CELEBS WERE SUPER HEROES

31 Jul

pam pana paran pammmmmmmmm(that’s drum roll by the way)…….*Lands from toy chopper in slow Mo -_- …………Yes Yes,its Your Girl Tolu TolZ aka SuperDuperSugarHoneyYum (Ebuka: is this why we are here?)*Clears Throat* Today’s Post was inspired after I in a moment of SuperDuper Awesomeness caught a Glass of water mid air without a spill of its content,it was crazzzy but then its not the first time I have displayed mutant like tendencies(thank you,thank you) made me wonder what sorta Superhero I would be *hmmm ^.^ * ….but Ebuka being the Loser he is somehow convinced me no one wants to read about me :(…. So here, I give you your darling celebrities

JIM IYKE | WOLVERINE ; The Lack of height not withstanding, Jim packs the sort of Anger and Rage required to be Wolverine anyday anytime. You can just see him charging (even when things are perfectly calm) to the scene and screaming in a weird American accent “You wanna fuck wit my blades” . His swag would undoubtedly be something outta this world, Ripped pants ,Gucci Singlet,Timberland boots, all in place as he Runs and fucks bad guys up while turning in circles n beating his chest again going..”You wanna fuck with my blades huh”

” …You are the murraFucker that didn’t buy my Album abi ??…”

OMOTOLA | WONDER WOMAN; Following her stunt as Beyonce or was it Rihanna a while ago in some movie none of us should have seen,its easy to see Omosexy is nothing short of Wonderful. (Omosexy we forgive you for that by the way). Imagine her in a cat suit and high boots ,ohh Mama! Of course apprehending criminals won’t be a problem, what? with that killer stare and the signature finger pointing going “How dare you Say Nadia Buhari is hotter than me”. Irrespective of the little problem of flight (you didn’t think she would fly with those Thighs did you?) Omo sexy is sure to be there with her Rope steadily bringing criminals to book.

ooh la la

RAMSEY NOAH|BAT MAN; Die hard Batty fans may feel the need to start making noise now but hey we are working with what we have. Good looks (check), Rich Looking (check), Fluent English (check) Solid Jaw line(Check)….This dude who looks like he can operate any complicated machinery with the aid of a detailed manual is sure to wow citizens while charging into the scene with a Triple -exhaust- turbo -charged- whatever-that-thing-Batman-drives and deliver dreamy lines in purchased baritone voice as he saves our asses. “Be Gone all Ye alaba boys”.

MERCY JOHNSON| MYSTIQUE ; Now you see I don’t even know if Mystique is a Hero or Villain anymore and I can’t be bothered to find out, but who cares? Yes Yes, All we want is her in body paint slowly pacing about and speaking in a slur while forgetting her Naija roots and doing something confusing and akin to the body language of proper oyinbo..”Excuse me, were you going to Pirrrrate those Compakt dissscccc?”. Not to worry it would be very hard to conjure up any house help imagery once this vixen goes all natural with body paint……WACHAOWWWW!!!!

.. what were u expecting , naked girl covered in blue??? this is africa perverts .. this is all the mystique you can get

GENEVIEVE| BLACK WIDOW ; That walk, that stare, and that knack for continually proving that intellect not looks is how she has made it so far (like we care). For us it won’t matter that she is somewhat rigid and would focus on intimidating poor citizens more than saving them. Its all okay, Long as we can watch and hear the impending sounds of Louboutins and lines like. “…how dare you
say marriage should be top of a woman’s needs,Die!!!”

EMEKA IKE|HULK; please please please I beg you not to concern yourself with Emeka as Banner,that would be asking for too much. Let’s just focus on the Anger and Crude nature of the Hulk,also the fact that there would be no talking whatsoever. He comes charging and putting all that Igbotic Rage to work. *KABOOM* ….of course our ears would suffer a little in the event of his transformation but that’s a little price to pay for safety. To be honest i cant even come up with any witty lines from this Nigga,it would most likely be swift,with citizens dispersing soon as they can………….

*ENTERS EBUKA*…….. ” hold up,hold up amma let you finish but there aint no HULK like Jim Iyke, whaaat??? whats all that talk about Emeka ike? dude have you seen Jim get mad? yeah i didn’t think so…….you know i will just take it from here……. (Tolu: chill bro its just a silly post) ….

NKIRU SYLVANUS | STORM : I don’t know about thunderstorms and lightning but this chick can literally cry you a river with no CGI aid .. she’s that good , she might have been more suited to a super hero with the ability to suffer (Tolu: The SufferyGirl?), seeing as that seems to be the only role she gets in movies , for the sake of this piece though lets leave her as the weather woman. #np JustinTimberlake -CRY ME A RIVER.

KANAYO .O. KANAYO | PUNISHER : The baddest of the Nollywood bad guys (Tolu: Samuel Jackson?) second only to elder Pete ,please when i say “bad guy” here i don’t mean the archetypal Nollywood “bad guy” with braids, piercings, who smoke . KOK is usually a blood thirsty character either as a ritualist or some sort of baron who takes pleasure in killing people and that level of thirst for blood only reminds you of “The Punisher”(Tolu: err Vampires actually). Of course citizens would have to get used to the abuse of over/trench coats by our hero here,then again what should it matter to you if the man who saves your life stays wearing coats in colors you didn’t even know existed?

“.. otokoto bitches …”

HANKS ANUKU| THOR : being the guy who got the only american visa that so many in the Industry have been struggling for ,thus explaining all the ‘nigga what…nigga who……i just got back ” charade its best to associate him with an extra-terrestial super hero …we very well know that finding that Custom-made-THOR-akpako to wield around wont be a problem. (if this dosent make any sense to you .. waka -___- )

Segun arinze| CYCLOPS : i’ll refer you to basketmouth for more details.

PETE EDOCHIE | PROFESSOR X : what is heroism without leadership and foresight? someone to quote and quote all sorts of mumbo jumbo and waste everyone’s time while the bad guys get away. someone to clear his throat annoyingly and make people uncomfortable? Throw his weight around and condemn younger heroes while in fact doing nothing? Ah Pete’s the man ,one look at the potential enemy and he knows,after all “what bigdaddy sees sitting (in a wheel chair) small time heroes can’t while standing or flying if you want.

TONTO DICKEH | …. : err we searched through the whole MARVEL/DC universe but couldn’t find any super hero as fierce as our own darling TONTO…… so we decided to call her YOLO WOMAN

“..This posing thing hard die o..whatever Man,POKO ..”

yes…yes,our time is far spent and there are probably more heroic stars you can think of but i’m tired and Ebuka has a date (finally),you probably scrolled down quickly to see a picture of me in a catsuit, nah not today…..plus i would be ATOMIC BETTY anyways,so till we think up shit to post here again,goodbye! (Ebuka: oh fuck we didn’t cast my guy Ezeronye,oh well that’s IRON MAN with struggle witty lines people).

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TDKR review :| ………

27 Jul

.. believe it or not gotham’s fate is in my hands ..

Alright before you scream SPOILER ALERT , let me quickly say that I’m not giving you a blow by blow(dirty minds will loose focus here) account of everything that happened in the movie , just a general review .

Years back when warner bros decided to re-introduce batman , i guess a lot of us felt they were just looking for ways to  extort us by remaking the same old movies , reharshing  the same  good old “good over evil all conquering super hero plot” ,we probably expected the usual explosions and unnecessary combats taking center stage while the core art of storytelling suffers, leaving us with a watery plot and an average movie that we will get tired of the moment we get over the hype associated with movies just before release.Thanks to an awesome director in  Christopher Nolan , all that fear were dispelled the moment the first installment hit our screen(ok the first one wasnt all that awesome), after setting the tone with the first installment and literally leaving us breatheless with the second which will be remembered for an epic performance from the joker  (heath legder), the recent release of the 3rd (TDKR) raised some questions ,

  1. will Nolan be able to surpass the second batman ?
  2.  was he wrong in using a time tested villain in the joker in  the second installment rather than in the 3rd?
  3.  and more importantly will he give the dark knight triology the grand finale it deserved ??

General overview : ok I did promise that I wasn’t going to reveal much about the movie , but I must say the story was on point , continuity was important and they maintain that pretty well , I love the way all the characters were introduced my favourite being bane’s ,the mid air stunt (which I heard was done witout cgi aid ) at the start of the movie was awesome , right there you get the feeling that bane was a psychotic craftsman but unlike the joker he was stronger.The story took time to build the characters that were being introduced brilliantly.Generally it was a fun movie ,for  those who are hellbent on having the comic look exactly like the movies .. if you have a problem with the film .. WAKA .. fucking oversabis ..*mstchewwwwwww*.

The showstoppers : For me everyone and I mean every one delivered in that movie , the acting was of the highest quality , but for a list of top contributors, I’ll go with:

 Nolan  : maybe I’m over flogging this issue but trying to match the expectations for TDKR was no mean feat and the genius did pretty well to make the movie look good , next on my list is

hans zimmer : the guy who composed the score for TDKR (please this has nothing to do with sports),very few people go to the movies to enjoy  the score of the movie , but personally I think this is vital to the overall experience especially for movies that take a little time to build its characters, it’s important to engage the viewers and zimmer did an incredible job .

And finally anne hatheway : when it was announced that anne was going to be the new catwoman ,a lot of us laffed at the choice and we gave her no chance to succeed at the role , while I’ve always respected anne as an actress , I felt a sleek , strong ,deceptive , cunning  and “innocent”  2faced character like the cat woman as a bit too much for her especially after her poor performance in “love and other drugs”  as a prick loving hippie made it look like she’s better off playing the good girl , but she proved us all wrong , she literally nailed the character ,  the smooth transition from innocent cutie to a sleek rogue with a smile  was arousing  which got me thinkn a batman / cat woman themed role play won’t be a bad idea  *clears throat* back to the movie , anne is easily my favourite on sceen performer .

..ooh la la ….

Cons : for a near perfect movie , there was hardly any flaw to pick out , maybe i’m even making up this section up to have something for this section , but I think the way bane was killed was too soft , for such a tough guy he deserved a better death , and secondly I felt bane seemed more scary when he wasn’t talking , would have loved it if he talked less .And erm a  catwoman sex scene wouldnt have been a bad idea .. not with bane or batman  tho but with erm .. lets just say a ‘certain’ board member.

Verdict : The dark knight rises was a very good movie the best of the year so far (my opinion) , a befitting end to an epic triology , everything about the movie was near perfect , the unexpected twist and turns were exciting to say the least ,few  will argue that it did not match expectations set by the hype, well its almost impossible to match the massive hype that surrounded the movie ,considering that this was DC comics trump card to catch up with marvel , i think they did a good job.

The dark knight might end up as the best non-animated film this year (yes an animated film will be the best in general , trust me on this).

Advice : I just felt compel to add this , if you are not a big fan of deep stories , if all you care about in  movies are unnecessary fight scenes , explosions , then you might not enjoy the movie , and you might not get that experience that this article portrays , you are better off chilling for the next micheal bay flick , yes that guy likes explosions too much  or wait for the release of GI joe 2 , better still tune in to cartoon network and watch ben 10.

Secondly if you haven’t seen the part 1 and 2 , it will be cool to download   buy and watch that before you head to the cinemas for this .

and for those fan boys who loved to rant and complain that the movie is too different from the comics .. i say fuck you .. fucking “drama queens”

Teaser : is catwoman straight , bi or a lesbian??? first ten correct answers get a surprise gift .