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IF CELEBS WERE SUPER HEROES

31 Jul

pam pana paran pammmmmmmmm(that’s drum roll by the way)…….*Lands from toy chopper in slow Mo -_- …………Yes Yes,its Your Girl Tolu TolZ aka SuperDuperSugarHoneyYum (Ebuka: is this why we are here?)*Clears Throat* Today’s Post was inspired after I in a moment of SuperDuper Awesomeness caught a Glass of water mid air without a spill of its content,it was crazzzy but then its not the first time I have displayed mutant like tendencies(thank you,thank you) made me wonder what sorta Superhero I would be *hmmm ^.^ * ….but Ebuka being the Loser he is somehow convinced me no one wants to read about me :(…. So here, I give you your darling celebrities

JIM IYKE | WOLVERINE ; The Lack of height not withstanding, Jim packs the sort of Anger and Rage required to be Wolverine anyday anytime. You can just see him charging (even when things are perfectly calm) to the scene and screaming in a weird American accent “You wanna fuck wit my blades” . His swag would undoubtedly be something outta this world, Ripped pants ,Gucci Singlet,Timberland boots, all in place as he Runs and fucks bad guys up while turning in circles n beating his chest again going..”You wanna fuck with my blades huh”

” …You are the murraFucker that didn’t buy my Album abi ??…”

OMOTOLA | WONDER WOMAN; Following her stunt as Beyonce or was it Rihanna a while ago in some movie none of us should have seen,its easy to see Omosexy is nothing short of Wonderful. (Omosexy we forgive you for that by the way). Imagine her in a cat suit and high boots ,ohh Mama! Of course apprehending criminals won’t be a problem, what? with that killer stare and the signature finger pointing going “How dare you Say Nadia Buhari is hotter than me”. Irrespective of the little problem of flight (you didn’t think she would fly with those Thighs did you?) Omo sexy is sure to be there with her Rope steadily bringing criminals to book.

ooh la la

RAMSEY NOAH|BAT MAN; Die hard Batty fans may feel the need to start making noise now but hey we are working with what we have. Good looks (check), Rich Looking (check), Fluent English (check) Solid Jaw line(Check)….This dude who looks like he can operate any complicated machinery with the aid of a detailed manual is sure to wow citizens while charging into the scene with a Triple -exhaust- turbo -charged- whatever-that-thing-Batman-drives and deliver dreamy lines in purchased baritone voice as he saves our asses. “Be Gone all Ye alaba boys”.

MERCY JOHNSON| MYSTIQUE ; Now you see I don’t even know if Mystique is a Hero or Villain anymore and I can’t be bothered to find out, but who cares? Yes Yes, All we want is her in body paint slowly pacing about and speaking in a slur while forgetting her Naija roots and doing something confusing and akin to the body language of proper oyinbo..”Excuse me, were you going to Pirrrrate those Compakt dissscccc?”. Not to worry it would be very hard to conjure up any house help imagery once this vixen goes all natural with body paint……WACHAOWWWW!!!!

.. what were u expecting , naked girl covered in blue??? this is africa perverts .. this is all the mystique you can get

GENEVIEVE| BLACK WIDOW ; That walk, that stare, and that knack for continually proving that intellect not looks is how she has made it so far (like we care). For us it won’t matter that she is somewhat rigid and would focus on intimidating poor citizens more than saving them. Its all okay, Long as we can watch and hear the impending sounds of Louboutins and lines like. “…how dare you
say marriage should be top of a woman’s needs,Die!!!”

EMEKA IKE|HULK; please please please I beg you not to concern yourself with Emeka as Banner,that would be asking for too much. Let’s just focus on the Anger and Crude nature of the Hulk,also the fact that there would be no talking whatsoever. He comes charging and putting all that Igbotic Rage to work. *KABOOM* ….of course our ears would suffer a little in the event of his transformation but that’s a little price to pay for safety. To be honest i cant even come up with any witty lines from this Nigga,it would most likely be swift,with citizens dispersing soon as they can………….

*ENTERS EBUKA*…….. ” hold up,hold up amma let you finish but there aint no HULK like Jim Iyke, whaaat??? whats all that talk about Emeka ike? dude have you seen Jim get mad? yeah i didn’t think so…….you know i will just take it from here……. (Tolu: chill bro its just a silly post) ….

NKIRU SYLVANUS | STORM : I don’t know about thunderstorms and lightning but this chick can literally cry you a river with no CGI aid .. she’s that good , she might have been more suited to a super hero with the ability to suffer (Tolu: The SufferyGirl?), seeing as that seems to be the only role she gets in movies , for the sake of this piece though lets leave her as the weather woman. #np JustinTimberlake -CRY ME A RIVER.

KANAYO .O. KANAYO | PUNISHER : The baddest of the Nollywood bad guys (Tolu: Samuel Jackson?) second only to elder Pete ,please when i say “bad guy” here i don’t mean the archetypal Nollywood “bad guy” with braids, piercings, who smoke . KOK is usually a blood thirsty character either as a ritualist or some sort of baron who takes pleasure in killing people and that level of thirst for blood only reminds you of “The Punisher”(Tolu: err Vampires actually). Of course citizens would have to get used to the abuse of over/trench coats by our hero here,then again what should it matter to you if the man who saves your life stays wearing coats in colors you didn’t even know existed?

“.. otokoto bitches …”

HANKS ANUKU| THOR : being the guy who got the only american visa that so many in the Industry have been struggling for ,thus explaining all the ‘nigga what…nigga who……i just got back ” charade its best to associate him with an extra-terrestial super hero …we very well know that finding that Custom-made-THOR-akpako to wield around wont be a problem. (if this dosent make any sense to you .. waka -___- )

Segun arinze| CYCLOPS : i’ll refer you to basketmouth for more details.

PETE EDOCHIE | PROFESSOR X : what is heroism without leadership and foresight? someone to quote and quote all sorts of mumbo jumbo and waste everyone’s time while the bad guys get away. someone to clear his throat annoyingly and make people uncomfortable? Throw his weight around and condemn younger heroes while in fact doing nothing? Ah Pete’s the man ,one look at the potential enemy and he knows,after all “what bigdaddy sees sitting (in a wheel chair) small time heroes can’t while standing or flying if you want.

TONTO DICKEH | …. : err we searched through the whole MARVEL/DC universe but couldn’t find any super hero as fierce as our own darling TONTO…… so we decided to call her YOLO WOMAN

“..This posing thing hard die o..whatever Man,POKO ..”

yes…yes,our time is far spent and there are probably more heroic stars you can think of but i’m tired and Ebuka has a date (finally),you probably scrolled down quickly to see a picture of me in a catsuit, nah not today…..plus i would be ATOMIC BETTY anyways,so till we think up shit to post here again,goodbye! (Ebuka: oh fuck we didn’t cast my guy Ezeronye,oh well that’s IRON MAN with struggle witty lines people).

TDKR review :| ………

27 Jul

.. believe it or not gotham’s fate is in my hands ..

Alright before you scream SPOILER ALERT , let me quickly say that I’m not giving you a blow by blow(dirty minds will loose focus here) account of everything that happened in the movie , just a general review .

Years back when warner bros decided to re-introduce batman , i guess a lot of us felt they were just looking for ways to  extort us by remaking the same old movies , reharshing  the same  good old “good over evil all conquering super hero plot” ,we probably expected the usual explosions and unnecessary combats taking center stage while the core art of storytelling suffers, leaving us with a watery plot and an average movie that we will get tired of the moment we get over the hype associated with movies just before release.Thanks to an awesome director in  Christopher Nolan , all that fear were dispelled the moment the first installment hit our screen(ok the first one wasnt all that awesome), after setting the tone with the first installment and literally leaving us breatheless with the second which will be remembered for an epic performance from the joker  (heath legder), the recent release of the 3rd (TDKR) raised some questions ,

  1. will Nolan be able to surpass the second batman ?
  2.  was he wrong in using a time tested villain in the joker in  the second installment rather than in the 3rd?
  3.  and more importantly will he give the dark knight triology the grand finale it deserved ??

General overview : ok I did promise that I wasn’t going to reveal much about the movie , but I must say the story was on point , continuity was important and they maintain that pretty well , I love the way all the characters were introduced my favourite being bane’s ,the mid air stunt (which I heard was done witout cgi aid ) at the start of the movie was awesome , right there you get the feeling that bane was a psychotic craftsman but unlike the joker he was stronger.The story took time to build the characters that were being introduced brilliantly.Generally it was a fun movie ,for  those who are hellbent on having the comic look exactly like the movies .. if you have a problem with the film .. WAKA .. fucking oversabis ..*mstchewwwwwww*.

The showstoppers : For me everyone and I mean every one delivered in that movie , the acting was of the highest quality , but for a list of top contributors, I’ll go with:

 Nolan  : maybe I’m over flogging this issue but trying to match the expectations for TDKR was no mean feat and the genius did pretty well to make the movie look good , next on my list is

hans zimmer : the guy who composed the score for TDKR (please this has nothing to do with sports),very few people go to the movies to enjoy  the score of the movie , but personally I think this is vital to the overall experience especially for movies that take a little time to build its characters, it’s important to engage the viewers and zimmer did an incredible job .

And finally anne hatheway : when it was announced that anne was going to be the new catwoman ,a lot of us laffed at the choice and we gave her no chance to succeed at the role , while I’ve always respected anne as an actress , I felt a sleek , strong ,deceptive , cunning  and “innocent”  2faced character like the cat woman as a bit too much for her especially after her poor performance in “love and other drugs”  as a prick loving hippie made it look like she’s better off playing the good girl , but she proved us all wrong , she literally nailed the character ,  the smooth transition from innocent cutie to a sleek rogue with a smile  was arousing  which got me thinkn a batman / cat woman themed role play won’t be a bad idea  *clears throat* back to the movie , anne is easily my favourite on sceen performer .

..ooh la la ….

Cons : for a near perfect movie , there was hardly any flaw to pick out , maybe i’m even making up this section up to have something for this section , but I think the way bane was killed was too soft , for such a tough guy he deserved a better death , and secondly I felt bane seemed more scary when he wasn’t talking , would have loved it if he talked less .And erm a  catwoman sex scene wouldnt have been a bad idea .. not with bane or batman  tho but with erm .. lets just say a ‘certain’ board member.

Verdict : The dark knight rises was a very good movie the best of the year so far (my opinion) , a befitting end to an epic triology , everything about the movie was near perfect , the unexpected twist and turns were exciting to say the least ,few  will argue that it did not match expectations set by the hype, well its almost impossible to match the massive hype that surrounded the movie ,considering that this was DC comics trump card to catch up with marvel , i think they did a good job.

The dark knight might end up as the best non-animated film this year (yes an animated film will be the best in general , trust me on this).

Advice : I just felt compel to add this , if you are not a big fan of deep stories , if all you care about in  movies are unnecessary fight scenes , explosions , then you might not enjoy the movie , and you might not get that experience that this article portrays , you are better off chilling for the next micheal bay flick , yes that guy likes explosions too much  or wait for the release of GI joe 2 , better still tune in to cartoon network and watch ben 10.

Secondly if you haven’t seen the part 1 and 2 , it will be cool to download   buy and watch that before you head to the cinemas for this .

and for those fan boys who loved to rant and complain that the movie is too different from the comics .. i say fuck you .. fucking “drama queens”

Teaser : is catwoman straight , bi or a lesbian??? first ten correct answers get a surprise gift .

Life Hacks

28 Jun

Experience they say is the best Teacher…….. you are sure to find me somewhere with an upturned nose every time someone blurts such proverbs  abi wise saying. My nonchalance nonetheless, its become quite obvious that some life’s lessons will be learnt whether or not you are interested. So in my benevolence (oh lala…what a rich word) I have decided to share with you a few useful life tips(Ebuka : just imagine amber rose being your motivational speaker ..O_O?? nuff said read on)……..

You can’t win with ‘The parents’ : Incase you havent noticed parents really are like the army,they operate an” Obey before complaint” government and with them you are forever wrong. One would safely want to assume that their power ends at forceful weilding,however they employ other methods,including the age long emotional blackmail. Be assertive all you want,be right but you never win,and even when you do,you would only feel guilty for it. Its really a never ending war of  “what do you know……..”Don’t tell me that……and “I told you so (even when it was originally their idea). Arggghhhhhhhh……..are you seriously waiting for a solution? come on,we already agreed,you can’t win.

The truth won’t always set you free: yes,yes not that this point is that relevant to alot of you,seeing how lies are so popular and hot in demand, however for some of us who have consciences the size of Kanye’s Ego(how is this a good comparison? *shrugs*) its important you realize it’s sometimes very safe to lie. This has nothing to do with morality or making heaven,thing is a lie is often time the presentation of a matter in such a way that everyone wins,you dont get in trouble and the other party isn’t hurt/angry or at the risk of committing murder(Ebuka : ok oooo .. whateva dis means).

” i got so upset when a dude called me flat “… “OMG nicki has got nothing on you .” .. there problem solved ..esteem restored

plus frankly lies save time,you say what needs to be said and everyone moves on. one even has to wonder why people stay in search of truth despite hearing repeatedly how bitter it is…..please feel free to tell me i am not hotter than beyonce,lies like this humbles me(Ebuka : the “truth” is , you actually are 🙂 ).

Selflessness is a myth ; are you currently stuck trying to live up your 2010  “i will become a selfless person” resolution? well, its easy to see why:its all rubbish. Life is based mostly on one basic principle : “survival of the fittest” yes,how do one make it to the top (wherever that is) if one keeps making stops and helping others get ahead?

“..super hero my ass .. i’m done..”

No,i havent asked that we all make like Jim iyke’s movie characters and be such pain in the ass,standing in the way of others and all,but you got to ask yourself why none of us were conceived in the manner of Jesus the messaiah….wait,did you see the word messsiah? aha, no one born of a woman should have to sacrifice so much for the sake of others,even jesus died for us just once. So by all means go ahead being your selfish self ,there is something very selfish about someone who constantly need help anyways.

All employees are from hell ; you would find this useful only if you run your own business. I used to think bosses were the problem,ordering you around and constantly complaining. Pitch that against a bunch of people who dont give a shit about the company,the company’s image or you the boss….

“..For the up teenth time DON’T FUCKING CALL WHILE I’M HAVING TEA..”

A people whose only motivation is money and a chance at the top. So stop being fooled by that plastic smile or the politeness,they just want the money. why should they love you anyways? everyone wants to be BOSS!

There is always ,always a SCAM; I cant remember where i picked up this saying,perhaps i made it up myself (such genius hehe…..stop being in Awe,thank you). Some may argue that this is just the Nigerian in me speaking but then I know whoever came up with the saying “Nothing goes for Nothing” isn’t Nigerian (be like wetin Mama G fit invent sha).

“This is a once in a life time opportunity……..Go ahead “

So every time you see stuff like “20% slash……..”Sales…….’Today is your lucky day……..”Promo! Promo! Promo! ….. or worse “Just for you” don’t feel lucky,don’t feel special,no one is breaking a neck to make this happen,in fact there is a lot  in this for the service provider.

“Deserve” is a pretentious word: i could have easily been Oprah……nah nah,scratch that  (lets make room for a raunchy sex life) yes, i could ve easily been errr….Scarlett Johansson you know,who or what says i dont deserve that life?. You really have to wonder about the criteria used in making some of us ‘proof’ of life’s unfairness.

“…chai … who do me like this …”

I mean seriously? okay life isnt so bad i mean what says i also dont deserve to be Goldi….(Ebuka:thats way too much punishment  blessing for being a good citizen). Anyways, its just a sham when people go on bout deserving stuff when there is always someone smarter,kinder,lovelier,and possibly with the best DEEP THROATHING skills (Ebuka: Dear reader..are you motivated yet ?? ).

Love doesnt conquer alot let alone all: everytime i read the right adage (surely you know the real saying) i just wonder how many times love has actually come charging in a cat suit and saved the day *looks around* any takers? ….still waiting.

“love is worth fighting for….even if your love interest is err…. “

Anyways relationships are mostly what you make of it,if you let a great person go beacuse you believe if you belong together bla bla bla….. the love i feel for Hugh Jackman is so Real,yet he stays wandering ..lost in the arms of another woman,so you see, you are deceiving yourself waiting

HATING” isnt as bad as people make it seem:

“..Just incase you didnt know .. hating is a recognised ‘legal’ profession …”

So you feel inexplicable anger and resentment towards someone somewhere whose reaching success and doing far better than you? You slander them and make up all sorts of shit just to put them down,and they probably don’t know you exist……well well..(Jesus,where was i going with this?).

“..Men fuck this vic o guy , TF does he think he is?? ….”

Okay,lets look at the facts; 1.You are a loser ,which isn’t entirely sad if you can hate enough and get some recognition  2. Your ‘HATE’ (depending on how potent though) have little or no effect on the person’s success,so you see you ain’t really harming anyone 3. These successful bastards have actually found a way to be motivated by ‘HATE’ (imagine), they even go rapping /singing about it…….. So you see, your ‘HATE’ while sorta needless and energy consuming actually isn’t such a bad thing. Some people are so effing lucky,you have to HATE them anyways.(Ebuka : pathetic , hating on jim iyke and vic o , and using your blog to justify it, they’ll rap about u soon .. hater)

Money talks,dignity walks (and falls in a ditch): (Ebuka : i’m sure kim k sponsored this point)I am a principled person bla bla bla…SHARAP!  You don’t get to talk shit like that because you found and didn’t withdraw an unexplained token found in your account.

“…. You wanna get with this ?? That’s a $2500 zazzle dougie couture bitch…”

Nah man,dignity is when you walk away from life changing sums,the sort that your kids and great grand children would curse you for refusing,the sort that would haunt you in dreams. Lets face it people,we would do lots of unprintable shit for money (ask Tonto and Muna Obikwe ..Ebuka : so you are indirectly telling us you can do soft nollywood porn for money and using tonto for cover up , way to go girl).

Not everyone”s going to have a big break: YESssss this is probably the truest point here,most interesting too. you see (yes you,reading this) forget all you know and how hard you work plus the people you know(Ebuka: stop saying shit , knowing illuminati=BIG BREAK -__-),the truth is the world works because there are varying pedigrees of people (err i know i coulda found a nice way to put that).

“..coming soon .. with Dr Dre’s detox as bonus gift … wait that’s on the forever coming soon list … nvm..”

Anyways, try hard as we all may,we cannot all be McDaddys,whose gonna take out trash? aha. So best have a face saving plan or make like sina rambo,be realistic and hold on to some form of life support NOW!!!!

THERE!!!,I hope with these few points of mine i have been able to confuse….sorry convince  and not ……whatever  *takes a bow* ……. that reminds me,now that I have raised the “everyone not having a big break” point I know y”all be watching me,I got a GET-RICH-QUICK-SCHEME beeches (Ebuka : say hello to “uncle”),peace out.

DISCLAIMER ALERT: I am not really cool with this Ebuka person running shit commentary on this post,but hey it’s okay,i totally get it, I am hot like that, WAHCHAOW!!!!(ebuka:  Dear reader  if you feel this is life changing in anyway then you need REAL therapy).

Ekweminatti

16 Apr

Two things you would most likely take away from this post: Ebuka and i are a bunch of pitiable hating losers or the truth…

I should start with the genesis of the brouhaha we are about to unleash: well i was having a normal day which often involves people dismissing me, and acting like i am not the genius i am,one look at my frail blog and i was going to cry”all these writing and no one to read”so i buzzed Ebuka who is somewhere lower on the food chain and he starts mumbling something about not getting followed on twitter by TONTO DIKEH even after all his efforts(Ebuka: because vic O followed you back after famzing him for 1 week ,we won’t  “hear word” abi  ) …..anyways,we land on Ekwem’s blog and somehow started digging…….

FIVE THINGS YOU HAVE IGNORED ABOUT EKWE…….

TOLU:………..  Ekwe is definately a bright kid with tons and tons of talents,but arent they all? we all know no one would invest in a total nitwit. If somehow you have followed his work ( stares at cans of redbull and satchet of  Panadol extra) you would notice the ever changing  tone,lets travel a little back in time (steps into imaginary time machine -“The Ekwpress”). As far as i can see early posts from Ekwe  like “Judgement” “The journey” “Random” “Flagship parts” “Appeal to reason” even though intelligently written with loads of promises for evil in the future were pretty normal,you could tell dude started by writing cute stories about all  the girls he would never have, stolen lunch money,that scary science teacher and all what not,the current location of such notes isn’t why we are here sha. Anyways fast forward a year and you have the widely acclaimed series “Pantheon”. Need i put myself through the trouble of relating to you how many people read and stay reading till this minute? yes its the work of scholars ,the kinda shit struggling writers like myself see and wonder what sort of  “ojoro” God can sometime pull. Still you have to ask why it takes issues on the extremely bizarre to expose such intellect

…… …..(ENTERS EBUKA)

Ebuka:….When you are good at something it comes naturally to you and as such become easy to implement ,but this ‘theory‘ dosen’t explain how our genius here comes up with some of the coolest stories known to man,going through his blog (Tolu: what a stalker) you would know that this nigger is on another level. One would expect that this takes a lot of research to come up with,but my good non-chalant friend ekwe has no time for such “long things” what? with all the Draft playing,betting at street corners and regular garden visits?.So how does he do it ? He steals them? //(-_-)\\ absolutely not *sigh* ,Ekwe is not a thief ,How do you know he is not a thief?He dosen’t look like one -___-  yes,we know the thief look!  So if he is not a thief and doesn’t have the time to come up wit such awesomeness how do we explain his genius? Well there is this “super cool” group of elites who gladly take the credit blame for every “unexplainable ” success story ,don’t know who they are but google ekwe backwards (ewke),if google comes up with a weird result,then maybe we might be getting closer to unraveling this mystery …………(tolu: could ebuka be saying this small ekwe has met kanye?)

…………. TOLU:……..  Chill please,every one knows tolu is mama grammar ,err Ebuka stop yimuing pls , plus the ones whose meaning stay ambidextrous (this one is new) to me but Ekwe’s case is special,its not so much the Confucius nature of all the plenty grammar but how you look properly at them and feel them possessing your fragile soul. Abyss, phalanx,ethereal, cavern, chastens, mimicry, purveyor (has the dizziness started yet?) .

Even a word as simple as “Fallen” just takes on another life form once Ekwe touches it….. “and the realm of the fallen mythical being raged with a thunderous cacophony of blatant infectious …. ENGLISH TRANSLATION;……”Everywhere scattered” Errr how hard was that? did the first set of words  explain more to you? NO……Scare you? YES . knowing very well that you still think this a joke,i beg of you take four of Ekwe’s popular words and yell them at midnight.

EBUKA:……….. let’s introduce you to the world of ekwe’s mysterious dreams(puts on 3D glasses,y’all should do the same,VERY IMPORTANT)  .I know everyone is familiar with nightmares and the infamous wet dreams ,but ekwe’s dreams don’t fall into any of this category ,his can only be described as blockbuster dreams,Listening to ekwe tweet /blog about his dreams you cant help but think that james cameron is somewhere inside his dreams shouting action,cut,retake and other film making jagons,and i bet its accompained by some dope soundtrack , kick ass CGI and yea stunning slow motion scenes,infact this days when ekwe tweets “i had a weird dream”   PAUSE……every one expects a fantastic article……… (tolu: ramblings of a jealous future movie director,get a life Ebuka)

he is about to sleep ........................... the lucky few who made it in

TOLU:………..Ehen hen, can Mr Ekwe explain how he sources material for his work? i mean we have done our research and are very much aware he isnt a member at any book club,library and what have you. and before you launch into one yeye talk about E-books,oh please this dude is hardly on any reasonable internet plan as you would see from footage on our spy camera . I mean how do you reconcile that? what serious author goes to a cafe named ‘YAHOO NO BE THE WAY” cyber cafe? .

One would safely want to then assume the gadgets he stays amassing would serve this purpose but a quick glance at his phones and you would know this Nigga aint wasting time ,or money for that matter on his work. Like every youth Ekwe concerns himself with only pressing issues like “how to dance azonto”  “why is that girl walking like she has a boil?” “when is LYNXX gonna tell us he’s been kidding wit this music career thing?” “why is J MARTINS taking this color blocking issue so serious?” “Is Tonto Dikeh an actress or a Runs geh?” (ebuka : welldone tolu ,using ekwe as cover up just to diss people). Does this seriously seem to you like one who concerns himself with theories of  Armaggedon and all what not?

Ebuka:……. fun fact : while you might have come to the conclusion that this article is similar to a beef track , tolu is actually a registered ekwe voltron.

abeg do the outro i don tire…………

YES,sadly we may not have solid proof but i guess what we are kinda tryna say(seeing as u arent as smart as we) is Ekwe isnt working alone,the ambiguous  points we struggled with up there proves  it. Its up to you whatever you finally come up with as WE WONT BE LIABLE FOR ANY SLANDERING OF EKWE -_-, however this should come as good news to those of you who feel like OLODOS around him (why is ebuka smiling?)………….feel free to beg me(Tolu)  for frienship(Ebuka : *sigh* , somebody wants to be popular by fire by force … smh),exposing someone smart as Ekwe is no small feat. PEACE OUT BITCHES.

Where is your faith?

26 Mar

I would start by saying I am not an overly religious person, I go to church, I believe in God, and hope to have a better relationship with him. I am often sure to keep my thoughts to myself when it comes to popular issues that make the rounds ,but this is very different, hard as I tried to ignore this it kept tugging at my sleeves, so my thoughts ;

It didn’t come as a shock when on twitter, people were airing their views on news about a certain Dominion airplane soon to open for business, owned by pastor and founder of the living faith ministries Bishop David Oyedepo. Already there have been past debates over his acquiring of private jets, running of expensive private schools and so on. A good majority seemed angered by the situation, questioning it in accordance with certain doctrines that involved meekness and the rest, but there were still the others who felt the church has finally reached its God given potential and is taking what’s rightfully its’, also that the Bishop is an astute business man. There were also the onlookers who I’m safe to assume didn’t comment because “the anointed of God is not to be touched”. 

All very interesting if you ask me, so we have what would ordinarily have been a case of enriching one’s self with office funds (if u remove the tag Bishop and look at him as say, a legislator), but we can’t see it that way because, yes because what? That is actually the bone of contention here………

I really won’t concern myself with the airline, schools and what have you, because all that will continue to happen unless one understands the root cause of this situation (we won’t call it a problem yet). As an ardent church goer and practical human I find myself often studying the attitude of other church goers and in spite of all the wonderful things in the environment, one of the things I’ve picked up is the never ending search for miracles. Yes, its common place to find the broken in spirit, down cast, the lonely, the financially desolate, the sick, the grief stricken…….all looking to a miracle. This is not to suggest that the church is littered with sad desperate people but if you look in the hearts of many, they are searching for something….Miracles.

Early teachings of Christ showed us a lot of miracles, from the turning of water to wine, to feeding of 5 thousand, healing the sick and even raising the dead. However the same doctrines showed us examples of men who clinged to Christ in time of despair, not having miracles in time but hoping nonetheless. I think the lesson here is, in God we have a father who is willing to provide all our needs, but again our faith shouldn’t be hinged on what we get ,am guessing its in this vain the quote “Man shall not live by bread alone……. “.  The church seems to have gone far away from that place where faith was about the peace that cometh’s from loving the lord, now we all want something in exchange; it is in this bid we feel a great need for an intercessor (Enter church overseers). Forgetting the voice of reason which goes “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” we look to mortals like ourselves bearing our widow’s might in the hope for prosperity.

I do not advocate people not paying tithes and offerings, i just believe if modern day churches are a family like they so often like to proclaim then everybody should be carried along. Its rather funny that a people who preach love, selflessness, sharing and what have you would allow themselves to be led by one who puts business concerns before the welfare of his brethren. If you are of the opinion that such leaders are astute businessmen and prosperity has come to the church please ask yourself why Jesus who had the power at his disposal didn’t uses to amass wealth for himself while preaching prosperity. It may be your take that giving generously is amongst the teachings of Christ but then what cause are you giving to honestly?

With the little knowledge I have I would like to point out a few things we should consider guiding ourselves with:

1.   The tenth commandment: “thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s goods”

2.   The 3rd beatitude: “blessed are the meek, they shall inherit the earth”

3.   The 4th beatitude: “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, they will          

      be   satisfied”

The usefulness of the bible comes in handy every day and in every aspect of our lives, of course it’s not enough to just read, one has to have a deeper meaning of it. Then again we must know that like everything in life not all quotes are suitable for every moment. It would be really nice to read stories of huge charities carried out by big churches, free education, health care and the rest, after all Christianity showed the most exemplary love of one’s neighbor when Christ gave his life for Us, what then are material things?

 

HIP HOP “HURRAY”

8 Mar

Ebuka is a passionate music lover (Tolu:according to him) so he decided to save us from ourselves by writing a few words (Tolu: like 2000 words actually) of wisdom,enjoy. *Ebuka strolls in like a BOSS*

Of all music genres, rock is my favorite but Hip hop happens to be the one that generates the most arguments. whack, dope, dead,”bla bla rapper killed bla bla rapper” are just some of the words/phrases you come across whenever you hear people talk about hip hop. My peers criticize/insult successful rappers questioning their credibility, funny coming from a group of people whose ancestors specialized in atulogwu /highlife/fuji music. It’s amusing the authority with which we say these things. For the most part we think the current generation of hip hop is completely whack, dissing them every day (while they are making their money and being successful). While it might be true that some of these guys are not talented wordsmiths, I think we might just be taking it too far. As a fellow who has loved music all his life, I’ll just go ahead and state some of the things that I have observed over the years

Lyrics:
The hip hop heads amongst us are often outraged by the fact that this generation of hip hop lacks real content, poor metaphors are probably the biggest culprits here (I’ll get back to this later) , in fact music in general is mostly about club bangers than real content these days, but if content is the problem here then I think the golden age is just as guilty ,cause the theme has remained the same(even though the old school rappers where more creative) sex , drugs , women ,money ,gangsters etc , and of course you know most of what they say ”na wash “ ,some of them don’t own as much as they claim to have .

It’s not uncommon to hear people diss rappers for dropping love songs , don’t know if this is wrong or right ,but since the 80’s a lot of the top dogs in hip hop from Cool j to Diddy did the same. people also complain a lot about how modern rappers are too soft, how they need to be more gangster and so on, the question here is what you as an individual considers gangster, rhyming with gun, pussy and weed might portray you as one, but that is not really the case and contrary to what has been embedded in your subconscious all your old school rappers weren’t exactly drug lords as they would like you to believe, secondly what do most of us know about being gangster any ways?? most of you are well fed milk and sugar kids(nothing wrong with this) , proper “ajebos” , your closest understanding to what being gangster is ,is probably your experience with grand theft auto ,so it’s just amusing when I see an ajebo dissing rappers for their inability to produce “gangster lyrics”. For those with 1st hand experience of what life in a tough(gangster) neighborhood is like and insist on listening to the so called gangster hip hop while frowning all day and murmuring ” this shit is dope” just remember depression is real bro.
Back to metaphors… I really don’t know what that figure of speech did to this generation, they keep on using it unnecessarily … rhymes like “I’m so fly … arik” “I make girls wet … ocean” “nigger u r so fat … Burger” “you career is dead … Ghostbusters” should be censored on air at least.

Don’t get the wrong picture here I’m not comparing the Nas and biggies of this world to the modern rappers we have now , that would be blasphemy, punishable by castration , I’m just saying some of this things we accuse the modern rappers of doing wrongly have been around since the beginning. Some people will have you belive(Tolu : Ebuka its not spell as you pronounce please) that prior to the new millennium all rap songs were hard core jams not the danceable tunes and sing along(s) we have these days … one word #MYTH.

The home front
I’ve been a fan of Nigerian music from the onset, before the top quality Clarence Peters videos, dope producers and all that. I’m talking about a period when people will call you razz because you know and play Nigerian songs (as if they were the only ones that had MTV … *sigh*). I loved these songs for the quality not because they were released by Nigerian artistes (even though we didn’t have many hits at the time).

In the hip hop scene over here the most popular phrase is “keeping it real” and this has confused me a lot, what exactly is keeping it real?? some will tell you that hip hop should showcase our culture and will despise you if you do otherwise, and by culture they mean rapping in any of the local languages, or something similar to this “sha ba la maks ka shika hsika shik jokkk dk skksjjs jkjnj jn jsn sdjkskj frexsde brakat brak athui kklplio fpo free redse jksj sdn kjnjsjjsjk me jkdk liop ” this might look like a desperate attempt at making a joke ,but certain artistes here speak certain languages that can only be spelt like this. (tolu: incredilobia). However when it comes to dress code(blinging up, sagging etc) we don’t hesitate to imitate the western culture or even out do them ,but when it’s time to write lyrics we suddenly remember we have a culture?? Hypocrisy?
There was once a school of thought around here that anyone who raps in pure English won’t be accepted in the industry , well M.I came around and disprove that myth with his “talk about it album” , and for someone who doesn’t understand jack shit in Yoruba , I enjoyed Da grin’s C.E.O album. I know a couple of rappers who can switch between plain English, hard punch line rap to club bangers and they are successful at it, Eldee is a classic example.

I completely accept the idea that our culture should influence our music but I think the level of acceptance you get doesn’t necessarily depend on the style you adopt, and you shouldn’t antagonize people for not doing things your own way ,especially when you are also guilty of some your accusations.
For the so called hip hop heads that use every medium they get to vent and whine about how this generation of hip hop is so dead and how Nigerian rappers are whack, you don’t really do much to help the situation. Judging by activities online most people crawl around music websites looking for free music to download ,now you don’t buy your favorite rappers “dope” album , and of course show promoters won’t feature them (because most people who go to concerts go there to dance ) ,at the end of the day all the dope rappers get is “ #NP @certainRapper > bla bla song … this guy is dope” , which might be a lie you came up with just to get a RT on from the rapper(Tolu: I talk am,this is all a SUB), so if that is all they get how do you expect them to make ends meet??
“ SHEY NA YOUR SONG IS DOPE MAN GO CHOP?”
How do you expect upcoming talented rappers to confidently make the kind of songs you like, when they know that they might get little financial reward for their efforts? A number of rappers have stuck to their guns in doing what they believe is hip hop the way it should be done , and I respect that .. Not everything is about money me I don’t do everything I do for money.(Tolu : blaady liar)

But as a programmer and a future film maker (watch your back Mr. Spielberg / James Cameron) with a very horrible voice and no rap skills at all, I won’t hesitate to spit crap if I have the right connect with the right music geniuses. If you can get Donjazzy /Timbaland to make beats for me and get me the right PR team to promote me I could recite the letters of the alphabets over and over again on 12 tracks, probably fart on sum and I might still go platinum and proberly (probably he means) be the headline act on every show worth attending here in Nigeria (Tolu: I’m sure Jim Iyke felt this way) … the last time I checked , “if they can dance to the beat they will like it” , or if u could get me signed to YMCMB .. I’ll just drop an album titled “CODIENE” sing/rap about weed, money, codeine and sex , get paid and retire.
Worst Case scenario you guys will diss me abi?? No problem I will even join you ,if necessary I’ll start the trending topic and I’ll willingly submit myself to Nas to shoot his ” hip hop is dead” video all over again if he needs me to.

Facts
What is this whole talk all about??? (Tolu; I ve been wondering mehn)

You probably reading this and you probably saying to yourself, why is this guy promoting whack music?? Well let me make it clear music is not always about club bangers ,you could use music for bigger things, you could rally the troops for a (positive)revolution with good music ,support a good cause and even worship GOD(atheists should feel free to ignore this point).I’m just saying the truth as it is , I’m not claiming to be that guy that knows everything about music , I just state the facts the way I see them and if you are honest with yourself(Tolu; let them not be honest na) you will agree that a great deal of what I said here is the truth and nothing but the truth. Music is a universal language and people should express themselves freely not like we have any set of rules anyways. I’m pretty sure some “classical music stakeholders” would have had a thing or two to say about how pop, rock, hip hop isn’t the way music should be done and how those who started this movements weren’t keeping it real , simply because they weren’t able to adjust to these genres.

The ugly truth
There is no rap music rule book, and everything about rap(music) keeps evolving .. That is life for you, but I think it is also necessary to maintain certain aspects of hip hop culture no matter how much it evolves.
To be a successful artiste you don’t have to be the best wordsmith or the most skillful writer, in fact most of the successful American artistes you respect have writers and producers doing the work for them behind the scenes and they don’t hide this fact. These days it’s mostly about appeal, delivery charisma and what have you, this is not to say I don’t enjoy the work of a talented person, Common’s latest album is probably my favorite rap album since M.i’s “M.I 2” and Eminem’s “Recovery”, if you know common then you will know he has no time for “bangidi bangidi beats”.
Provided you are making people happy with your music then you are doing something right.

80-20 rule …
This rule is simple, 80% of the population do or like certain things because a certain “cool” 20% of the population like that particular thing or are probably doing that shit, how can you explain someone who makes so much noise on how they think a particular artiste is so on point and yet they barely know shit about that artiste? , I’m not saying you must know the biography of an artiste before you like the person moo (did Ebuka just turn to a Cow?), all I’m saying is that most people have been infected with the “follow follow” virus. This has a lot to do with that “last carrying phobia”.

Theory
that era of hip hop you cling to is gone and gone forever, the world keeps evolving, the best you can do is just maintain your music taste and don’t accept anything that falls short of your standards (this varies with diff people of course”), but if you are still dreaming about a time when rappers will return to the violent, gang banging lyrics.. I’m sorry , cause forever is a mighty long time … but I know humans are just stubborn some of you will be here hoping and waiting , well rumor has it that Dre ‘s Detox album will spark a revolution when he releases it * my forever clause is still valid here*

So children if you can sell your music “sad / happy /whack/dope/gangster/aggressive” whatever the world decides to call it provided it makes people happy and you are making a living off it then you are doing something right . Thank you
#NP Jim iyke > who am i ? 😐

Marriage Blues

6 Mar

As a kid I didn’t spend time pairing dolls and dreaming of a splendid wedding as movies like ‘The wedding planner” would have us believe about Jennifer Lopez (err what husband is she on again?), then again you can’t be playing ‘Barbie marries ken” if you were the sought of kid who rolled tires and climbed trees….anyways, at some point I bumped my head and found myself floating in the sky, what’s it called again? Love, yes I fell in love and dreamt of bla bla…….then my heart got broken and I came back to.

The years passed by fast (too fast if ask me, I mean look at my thighs), I’m now at THAT PLACE, the place where you aren’t a kid and you aren’t a woman, the place where your mum wants to have “the talk” all the time, where your younger brother’s retort to every misunderstanding is “GO AND MARRY”…yes that place.

First time I heard that useless phrase (that’s what it is) I thought to myself “wait! These people are kidding right?” What happened to our wolf pack? Suddenly I’m to be carted away by a stranger for the sole purpose of cooking, cleaning and bringing fort mini me(S) who I sure as hell know would be a bundle of trouble ….yes what’s with the smug look? Oh you didn’t know, haha someone who believes in the magic of marriage, togetherness, companionship bla bla bla. I haven’t said getting married is a bad thing but let’s face it there’s so much hullaballoo about it and if you aren’t careful you may ruin your life, let’s look at how much life changes when u say “I do”.

Firstly, going by the shitty colors people come up with for their wedding, its plain to see for the months building up to the nuptials, there aren’t themselves. A typical wedding planning is fraught with panic, headaches, tears and even more tears. Oh, there is the thousands or millions of naira that goes down the drain (you know half the people who eat the food don’t care about you right?). Why the hell do weddings cost so much anyways? It’s just a portal for two people off to get old together, people should chill please.

People! People! And more people…..wait do couples relinquish their right to privacy once married? And now am not even speaking of privacy between the couple, it’s the others, yes what is about marriage that makes everyone want to visit? WHAAAAAT (I don’t enjoy visitors much you see). Funny these people do not comprise of your friend ‘Sue’ who could down a bottle of vodka standing on her head (is there any such person?), nah its aunty Bose, uncle Festus, and their cousins who brought no gifts at the wedding.

Pressure paradise; it often feels like once the words “I do” jump outta your mouth in front of a congregation, your life’s hour glass is turned and you are automatically sprinting to the finish line (I don’t know if that’s to divorce or your death) but apparently there is so much to do and so little time, things like err; drive to work, eat, watch TV, go shopping….wait! You recognize these from somewhere, of course it’s all stuff you used to do whilst single, what then is it about marriage that makes it seem like its Fear Factor?

Its high school all over; ever caught that uncanny attitude singles have towards married(s)? Of course beneath it is heaps and heaps of misguided envy but it’s there, suddenly it’s like they are the cool kids and you? Well, you are that guy/girl who used to be cool. Slowly the things you are allowed to do without prejudice starts to drop in their numbers, you’d hear shit like “oh come on you are married”

you recognize these amigos from Happy feet right? yeah me too...sorry, couldn't find any monogamous pic

Scheme till your last breath; oh surely you didn’t think you’d live life being all transparent and accepting of fate. Let’s be realistic sometimes for one to be happy the other has to be…err well, not satisfied and stuff as little as who watches what, on game nights/debut of stupid reality TV shows would prepare you for a lifetime of this. Yes it’s exhausting as you may have imagined by this time, but sorry it’s what you signed up for.

Ok,ok I’m honestly out of marriage bashing points ,but if you had any sense you would know this really isn’t about marriage, I needed badly to have a new post and seeing as stress has taken over whatever part of me writes life changing notes(sharap I’m a deep person (-__-) ),oh fack that’s not the drawing I wanted. Yessss, ladies please by all means forget all your dreams and marry the first guy who shows, guys continue to be dick heads that wind up with wicked women. Let the world be as it was before this post.